What Day Is It Again??

No, really, I have no idea!

Since I last wrote, the inevitable furlough situation has happened. Our company has ended up having to furlough around 50% of staff, so I find myself with three weeks (at least) at home. Well, two now. We’re not sure what happens at the end of the first three weeks, whether the other half can go on furlough and those of us currently on leave go back to work, or whether it’s once furloughed, almost forgotten. We’ll see. 

Honestly though, I’m okay with it. I was well prepared to make the most of whichever situation I found myself in so, I wasn’t worried when the news came through. I have paints, things to paint with those paints, brushes to do the painting with. I can bake and eat the results. I make tea and coffee and lunch for Mum and Dad who are both working from home. I can enjoy the utterly glorious weather we have been blessed with lately, and take complete joy in the company of my dogs.

If I were remotely greenfingered, I’d do some gardening but given my track record with plants (I once lovingly nurtured a stick in a pot until Dad gave me the news it was never going to grow because it wasn’t actually alive) I tend to leave that to people who can actually keep things alive.

It is extremely odd to not have to keep my eye on the time, or think about whether my uniform is clean (of course it is, it’s been washed and sitting in my wardrobe for ages). We take the dogs for a walk every evening – allocated exercise and all that. Although the other day the dogs decided to gorge themselves on apple fertiliser so we spent a delightful evening clearing up vomit. Nice.

I’ve been to the post office and to the shop. Once. I will be going out at some point next week to get fresh food stuff for my grandmother who lives on her own in the middle of the countryside. So that’ll be an exciting outing. I’ll have to make the most of it, being out in the world, seeing other humans from a socially acceptable distance.

I won’t lie, much as I’m happy with the social distancing situation, I would quite like the restricted quarantine stuff to be lifted. I don’t mind not being hugged or having people encroaching on my personal space or everywhere being much quieter than usual, that’s all still fine with me. It’s the feeling like you just can’t get on with life. While I’m keeping busy and happy, there’s still that underlying feeling of waiting. Every day hoping things might be a bit better, that things are on the way to good news rather than bad.

I’ve been spending a lot of time outside over the last week, due to aforementioned beautiful weather. This means my freckles are coming out full force (I don’t mind that) but it also means I’m having to crack out the Factor 50 already!! Ridiculous pale complexion means I burn so stupidly easily. Mind you, it was so hot yesterday I was very glad I did wear it as I still managed to catch the sun. I like to think I’m finally learning from my years worth of mistakes in getting burned, so badly burned!

I did wear shorts yesterday though which led to Mum singing “oooh I’m blinded by the light” at me. I really am very very pale. They could use my legs as airport landing strip glowsticks. Honestly.

I do always feel better in the summery months though. When the sun comes out and everything is a bit golden and bright and the air is warm and you can feel the sunlight soaking through your skin and into your bones. That’s when I’m at my best. It helps that my skin tends to clear up and alleviate a lot of my self-consciousness.

As I mentioned briefly, I’ve been painting a lot. I bought some natural wood slices which I’m having a lot of fun with, painting into coasters. Bumblebees are my main theme, because they’re so very bumbly and I love them. They’re also very easy to paint in a simplified form which means I don’t have to worry about not being able to paint anything very realistic. I can go with my strengths of playing with colour and shapes and design. 

I might have to order some more though as I only have 3 blank ones left. And two weeks more of furlough…

Not to worry kids, there’s always my faberge inspired eggs to finish. It’s only taken something like 7 years to get this far… Or I can do some more russian doll figures. Or a different craft altogether. I could pack away the paints and do some felting.
Oooh, felted bumblebees….

The biggest news is that the guy a few doors down got his hedge-trimmer out yesterday. The fact we hadn’t heard it yet was leading us to feel a little concerned about him. When he revved it up yesterday, we all breathed a sigh of relief. For a moment we thought we might have a sunny Easter weekend without any power tools invading the peace. But our fears were unprecedented. Phew….

I hope you are all managing to stay positive, safe and well. I know, we all know, that this too shall pass. It just feels like maybe it never will…

Enjoy the sunshine, let it soak in and lighten all your fears.

Bee happy. 

Friendship And Fortitude

We need both!

As many of you will know (or all, if it’s the same two people reading my posts, and yes I know my Mum is one of them; Hi Mum) I am not particularly great at maintaining friendships. It’s not intentional; I just get so super distracted and totally forget to reply to messages or that I was meant to be somewhere half an hour ago, or how long its been since we spoke.

It doesn’t help that I’m also quite introverted which means I’m not a massive fan of being in busy places with lots of noise and people and activity. Hence my enjoyment of social distancing!

What I find amazing though, are those friendships that somehow seem to last through all of that and you’ll find a message from someone you haven’t spoken to in years and suddenly it’s like you only saw them last week. I love that! And I feel very fortunate to have people like that in my life. My lovely Ginny, Canadian horse woman extraordinaire, has been back in touch recently. She has been through some rubbish stuff and I sent her a brief message just sending love across the pond to her. Since then, we have been chatting and making hypothetical plans to visit/stash my dog in my hand luggage and move to Canada. And it has made me smile so much just to talk to her, and to feel the warmth of that friendship again.

The other thing I am finding both strange and confusing and liberating at the moment is the realisation that you cannot predict which of your friendships will last. You might talk to someone every day for years and then all of a sudden the replies stop coming, the conversation peters out and your friendship quietly retreats into non-existence. Should we mourn that? I don’t really know. I feel, at the moment, that when you are the one trying hard to keep a friendship afloat with no response from someone, perhaps that is the signal to let it sink. That’s not to say that friendship wasn’t real, that it wasn’t worth anything. But maybe it was temporary. Maybe it was one of those fleeting things that doesn’t last a lifetime. Very few friendships do, so perhaps letting something go that is exhausting you is absolutely okay.

And just when I start to feel a bit upset about the fact that I put effort and time into someone for so long, to now feel like it was such a waste and that maybe it’s me and maybe I’m a crap friend and maybe I should just stop trying altogether because clearly people don’t want me involved in their lives; I get a message from Ginny and my heart lifts. Because she and I haven’t seen each other since 2014. We exchange the odd ‘like’ or loveheart emoji or an occasional message with a picture of my dog or her daughter or a memory from our days of horsing around together. But we are not in constant contact. In fact, we go months and months with zero contact. So it’d be understandable if we lost each other altogether. But no, I sent her some love and she responded with the very same friendship that I miss so much. 

To me, that is magical.
Those people, who respond or reach out with the exact same level of love and friendship and connection that you had weeks or months or years ago, those people are so important. We need them!

I also try so hard to maintain my faith in the concept that most things happen for a reason. Perhaps we cannot see it at the time, but eventually, even ten years later, we can look back and realise why things had to be the way they were. If things had not happened the way they did, you might never have gone to that place, met that person, had that experience. And those things might be the things that set you on the very best path for your future. It is so hard to know which way we will end up going and how we will get there. Life has a funny way of taking our plans and dreams and goals, turning them upside down and drowning us in other things we had never considered. Sometimes this is too overwhelming and we cry and protest “it’s not fair, this isn’t what I wanted, I never asked for much”. Other times it is the most incredible thing and we find ourselves looking at the world with fresh perspective “oh my god, I didn’t realise I could…”

So I try to apply this feeling, a strange form of trust in the universe, to most things in my life. There are some things I struggle with. Like why my beautiful special healthy 8 year old dog ended up getting bone cancer and dying. That one, I cannot accept had any reason behind it.

But to most things, it works.
For example: when I made the decision to leave the equine industry, it was a really hard thing to do and I struggled a lot. My mental health was low and my motivation lower. I was searching for jobs fairly fruitlessly and feeling utterly rejected by the world. I somehow managed to remind myself that if it wasn’t happening, it wasn’t meant to.
Looking back, I am so glad I ended up having to wait a little longer to find the right job. Because now I work with the most fantastic and supportive team, I am in a relatively secure position regarding all the coronavirus working restrictions, and I feel valued as a worker. If things had not played out so badly back then, I would not have ended up in this job. And it is definitely the right place for me to be at the moment. It happened because it was meant to.

I’m not saying that coronavirus is a good thing or that we deserved it or that it is going to be remembered fondly. But. There are positive takeaways if we allow ourselves to see them. We may be in uncertain times with jobs at risk, lifestyles being challenged and restrictions in place that are inconvenient and frustrating; but we also have the opportunity to take a breath and reflect. Even those of us still working now have more time to stop and look at what we have. As I mentioned in a previous post, perhaps after the restrictions are lifted, we will be able to appreciate all the things we used to take for granted. Perhaps.

And people are there for each other, people are showing themselves at their best (and their worst but we won’t focus on that). There are groups and pages all over the internet and social media at the moment with the sole purpose of bringing people together in their isolation. People who are stuck inside and alone on their birthdays are getting thousands upon thousands of messages with wishes and love from people all around the world. People who can sing are sharing their talent to bring joy to others who are missing family and friends. Everyone everywhere is sharing gratitude and love for NHS and other medical workers around the globe.

All of this is fantastic. It is helping people feel connected and supported and most importantly, not alone. None of this would have happened without coronavirus providing a need. Maybe that sounds backwards to you. But just stop and think about it for a moment.
Think about elderly people in nursing homes who have no family to visit. Housebound people living alone who only have the television as contact with the outside world. People with such bad mental health conditions that they struggle to go out, struggle to communicate, struggle to maintain any form of human connection. Stay at home mums who spend all day with the company of toddlers or babies, too exhausted to pick up the phone, expected to just carry on because “it was your choice to have kids”.

Those people, who were in that position before coronavirus, and will continue to be in that position after coronavirus, are being impacted positively at the moment. They are able to access a constant outpouring of connection and friendship and humanity via the internet. People who would usually spend all day alone with their thoughts, can be distracted, amused, involved. And yes, I know that there are societies and associations etc set up to try and help those people in normal situations, but here’s the thing. Sometimes, finding the effort to be the one to reach out is too hard. It can be an exhausting thought to consider picking up the phone, or sending a message. But if you can just switch on a computer and sit quietly and read thousands of cheerful comments, see photos of people smiling despite being stuck in their homes, watch videos of singers, dancers, charity fundraisers, that takes no effort at all and it gives so much! 

Coronavirus is awful. People are suffering, people are dying, it is tragic and I would not wish it on anyone. But people are helping and people are trying and that is something worth mentioning.

 

On a final uplifting note, my mum is doing something very brave this afternoon.
She is going to shave all her hair off for charity.

Our local animal shelter (Worcester Animal Rescue Shelter) has had to cancel all of their fund raising events for obvious reasons. But they rely on the income from those events to keep their residents healthy and happy, and to maintain their property and stay running smoothly. Mum had been talking about being unhappy with her hair for a few days, and we’d even had the discussion of how differently hair often grows back when it has been shaved off. We laughed, we moved on. Or so I thought!

On Wednesday she posted to her Facebook, announcing her intentions to shave her hair to raise some money for W.A.R.S. Donations have been coming in already, she is up to £155 in two days. It has been made so easy by Facebook’s “Donate Now” system. The animal shelter receive every penny directly.

She is terrified, but she’s going to go through with it. I know she will. I’ll be videoing the process to share with everyone who has or is thinking about donating.

But oh my god, my mum is shaving her hair off!!!

BRAVE!!

 

Fun Fact

Did you know…

That simple sunshine kills coronavirus?

No? Me neither. Oh right; sorry my mistake, that’s because it doesn’t! So why were so many people cramming together on beaches and up mountain paths at the weekend, you may ask? Beats me! I am as confused as you.

So now we’re almost on lockdown. Leave your home for essentials only. Watching the broadcast last night, all we were relieved about was that we’re still able to get out and walk the dogs. We are in a better position than some because we do have an adequate sized garden that we can let them play in. Nothing is quite the same as chasing your favourite ball across the common though, says Daisy.

I don’t know whether I am classed as a ‘key-worker’ (unlikely, I’m not really a key anything) but my place of work is still open so I am still going in. Our protocol is changing daily though, so it is a case of constantly trying to get things straight in our heads.

Yesterday we started a locked door policy. Clients are not allowed to enter the building. We will collect their pets, tend to them, and have phone conversations about medications and taking payments. It is working, but it is a lot to remember when someone calls with a question. All non-urgent appointments are being postponed until further notice. We are doing our absolute best to see to the needs of peoples pets, but we are also having to try and balance that with taking care of our own safety. 

I think animal people are pretty bad at that in general. I know I am. Through my years of working with horses, I have always put them first. The only sick day I ever had, Laura ended up having to force me upstairs to bed because despite having been up vomiting since 3am, I was insisting on feeding the horses and trying to muck out stables. The horses needed looking after, so my own health came second to that.

But, as I have been regularly reminded, if you end up sick or exhausted or injured then you are incapable of doing anything. Better to safeguard your wellbeing before that happens. Again, not something I am terribly good at!

The only thing keeping spirits up at the moment, is that sunshine I mentioned earlier. It is still shining and I am so pleased. After the flooding and storms and horrendous things we have all had to deal with lately, a little bit of sunshine is so welcome. We need it. 

The downside to nice weather is that the bloody chickens won’t shut up. It is the most annoying sound. That alarm call. FOR NO REASON. As I have said, out loud, to them, often, they are very lucky we are vegetarian…

Excuse me though…I just need to pop to the woodshed, I think I left an axe in there…

It Has Been Three Years…

…Three Long Years

I can’t quite pinpoint what it was that prompted me to write here again after almost 3 years of silence. I only know that somewhere within me, I got that overwhelming urge to write something. I hope you’re sitting down, somewhere comfy with a good cup of tea or glass of something nice; this is a long one!

The Trouble With Now

Modern life lacks reality.

So much of what we do these days is linked to technology, the internet, our mobile phones. We live life through a screen. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is rather fabulous that we can connect with people on the other side of the world, see their smiles and hear their voices. I love that I can receive a picture of the dogs at home from my mum at any given point, and that I can send a picture of my day to people wherever they happen to be. It is brilliant that we can stay in touch with friends and family so easily.

There is, however, the simple truth is that everything is altered, filtered. I look at Facebook, for example, and cannot help but compare my own life to that of others. But of course what we all so readily forget is that the posts and updates on Facebook are carefully selected, censored and filtered to make them as exciting and positive and successful as possible. I am not judging. I do the same. A photo I take of my dog is filtered to make it look sunnier and captioned with some happy phrase when in reality, it was probably a grey day during which I felt utterly rubbish because I had aches and pains all over the place. But for some reason, I alter that and in return I get likes and comments which make me smile. Do I do it for approval? Not exactly. But I don’t really want to post something that reflects the depressingly dull reality of my day to day life. I’m honest about that at least.

So why is it that I look at other people’s posts and wonder “how can they be so much happier/more successful/together than I am?” Because I know that they’re doing the exact same thing as me if not worse. Only posting the things we want the world to see, the things we think other people will look at in a positive light. But that’s what social media does. It forces us to look at everyone else’s lives as if they’re better than us. We obviously want everyone to think that our world is going around just swimmingly despite reality being completely the opposite at times. No-one wants to see our bad days.

So. Given that we all know the truth of the situation, why do we insist on continuing the ridiculous cycle? I’m not saying we should stop putting filters on photos (because honestly, who’s going to stop?) and I’m not saying we should start positing the negative aspects of our lives, because a facebook page full of positivity; no matter how false; is better than a page full of misery. I merely think that perhaps we should remember the truth. That behind all of the well angled photos, emphatically upbeat statuses and dramatic life updates that make you feel like perhaps you’re failing at something, there are real lives which are as messy and confused as your own. And they’re probably looking at your posts and thinking “wow, they’ve really got a clue…I wish things were working out like that for me”. Maybe we ought to appreciate what we actually have a little more, and worry about other people are doing a little less!

On another note entirely maintaining only a tenuous link to my gripes with the internet dictating our lives, I’m going to ramble on about internet dating for a wee while.

I’ve been giving it a go. Nothing serious, because that’s a bit scary to be honest. But after my initial reluctance, I’ve been using a couple of dating apps to meet people. And I have actually met some people. Which, as some of you will know, is a pretty big deal for panic-ridden anxiety-fuelled me. And it was fine to be honest. No psychos or sleazeballs. I think I have somehow dodged a bullet there, as the screenshots Jenni sends me of her app messages border on the horrific at times. I’ve had nothing like that. In fact, I’ve mostly experienced pleasant conversations with seemingly normal guys. The ones I’ve then met up with have been nice, decent guys with genuine personalities and my panicky instincts have been able to settle down into a mild “he could still be a murderer though” undercurrent. Again, a pretty big deal for me!

So, I can tell you’re dying to ask, what is my actual problem? Where am I going with this mini-rant? Well, let’s discuss the medium through which dating apps work. The internet. Messages. GIFs and emojis and pictures and texts. Great right? Well, yeah. Easy relaxed communication basically. I don’t mind it on the whole. Many of my friends will scoff at this point because they know I’m often pretty rubbish at texting. I forget where I’ve left my phone and don’t pick up my messages for hours, I start typing a reply and either get bored halfway through and delete it or forget to press send and leave it sitting there for hours. But that’s okay, because with these apps and such it doesn’t do to look too keen by replying on the quick. My laxadaisical attitude probably serves in my favour at this point.

And here’s where it stops being cool. The ease with which we can freeze each other out is ridiculous. Simply by not replying, we can totally destroy the confidence of another person. And it is just altogether too easy. There is no guilt attached, no real feelings to make us question our actions. When we make that decision to not reply, we don’t have to look anyone in the face when we do so.

Put simply, it’s just rude. One day you’re having a lengthy and fairly meanginful conversation with someone, punctuated by the odd emoji, and the next you’re being blanked out completely. With no warning, no explanation, no apology. Just a big empty nothing. And if you’ve actually met the person and they do it? Well, that’s just a non-existent slap in the face isn’t it?! It bothers me, the ease with which we can do that. It doesn’t take much to drop a message, “Hey, I’m really sorry but I don’t want to see you again”, or “I think we’re on different levels, but thanks for the chat”, or “I don’t see this going anywhere, sorry and good luck finding what you’re looking for”. How hard is that?! But of course, it still requires a minimal amount of effort. It is altogether much easier to just not say anything at all and leave someone hanging, wondering what on earth they did wrong.

Perhaps it’s wrong, but it’s hardened me even more. This has happened to me a few times so now I approach it all with the attitude of “urgh, figures, whatever, I can’t be arsed with this!” A bit sad? Yes probably. But that’s what happens. That’s what this technology does to us. At least in the real world if you’re going to reject someone, you have to do it openly. You have to look at their face and say the words. Would we just stare blankly and coldly at someone and then walk away from them without saying a word? Would we see and hear them coming towards us and just look past them and continue walking? Would we? Really? The more hard-hearted of us might say yes at this point, but really truly I don’t think we would. It would just be the rudest thing. And unfortunately thanks to social media and apps, we are facilitated in our cowardly rudeness. And I think that’s very sad.

But there we go, that’s the way it is.
Grumble over.
Peace.