Limbo

This is the worst part

The waiting.

We have left Eclipse. Sob. Actually we left yesterday….and then we went back. It was not a good day at all. We were all psyched up to go, we left (after crying everywhere in a very inelegant fashion) and drove off up to the Dingle Peninsula. We then proceeded to search desperately for somewhere to stay with absolutely no luck what so ever. The panic set in when it started clouding over and the light started to go. We were in unfamiliar territory, with nowhere to sleep and no idea what to do next. We were also feeling utterly miserable because we’d just said goodbye to some of the most fantastic people either of us have ever met. It was not good.

So we decided to drive back onto roads we knew, and ended up in Killarney again. It took a lot of courage and pride-swallowing to call Anita and Athos to tell them what had happened. But we did. And they told us not to be stupid and to come back to the centre for the night. So we had to face the music and head back. We were welcomed back with open arms, and a lot of laughing. We both felt pretty humbled, but were pleased to be back somewhere warm and safe and comforting. It felt like going home. Which is all we really wanted anyway.

So we stayed another night. And this morning went so much better. We thought it was going to be even harder, saying goodbye a second time. But actually, because we were pretty much all cried out from yesterday, we were able to have a really nice send off instead. We mucked about and took some stupid/awesome photos with Ginny, Sonny and Josh, having a laugh and reminding ourselves of all the good times so we wouldn’t focus on the fact that we were leaving. It was the right thing to do. Because this time when we drove away, although we felt sad, it wasn’t that same kind of desperate feeling. We both felt there was the possibility that we might just be okay.

The sucky thing, however, is that we are now in that stage of limbo, just waiting for the next thing to happen. We checked into our lodge about two hours ago and are now taking full advantage of the free Wifi. We’ll go eat soon, but at the moment we’re having a giggle at the pictures and letting people know that we’re safe and happy (ish). My dad and brother are meeting us from the ferry tomorrow lunchtime which will be nice. Something to look forward to anyway. It’ll help take our minds off the journey ahead, and all that we’ve left behind.

The people. The setting. The experience. It has really been the most incredible summer. We’ve been so very blessed to do what we did. Neither of us really knew what to expect when we first arrived and it is safe to say that everything we have done, everyone we have met and everywhere we have been has been above and beyond anything we could have hoped for. Living in the house with everyone felt so right and it really did become home. I still didn’t get bored with the view, because it changed every day without fail. And it was always spectacular. The work was hard going and sometimes drove me to breaking point (children!) but it was good work and I enjoyed it.

And the people were the best. The friends I have made this summer are some of the best friends I will ever make I think. Their warmth and generosity of spirit has left me blown away and I cannot thank them enough for the way they embraced us wholeheartedly. Leaving such friends behind is a hard thing to do, but I know we will see them again. Because we will make it happen.

For me, there is an extra detail which makes it even harder. My friendship with Sonny was more than just that, and it hurts a great deal to leave him behind. The relationship I had with him was unexpected but only served to give extra joy to my days. I came to realise, through spending time with him, that taking risks and being brave are really not that hard at all. I amazed myself by not running away like I would usually do, and by gradually allowing myself to relax enough that I did not shy away from affection in front of other people. I have grown in who I am, thanks to him. The only downside is that I became really rather fond of him and now I have to tear myself away. I am coping okay at the moment but I think that is only because I am not allowing myself to dwell too much. The moment I try and imagine the next weeks without seeing him, I feel something constrict in my stomach. So I will not think on that.

Instead I will remember the good times. And there were a lot of those. I was made to feel like I was really worth something by this guy, and that in itself is worth a lot. Sonny is a special person, and every moment I spent with him gave me something wonderful. I will miss him so very much, but I have the best memories to enjoy. Besides, we will stay in touch. Otherwise there would be no one to keep him grounded and stop his head getting as big as Josh’s. So I will keep my chin up. And I will be happy and smile when I remember what I had. Because nothing is ever over until you close the door.

And I’m not closing this one yet.

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