Don’t You Dare!

 

Never apologise for who you are.

Yes. I have actually done some work today. Granted for the most part it was cutting and sticking and colouring in. But it was assignment work nonetheless which means I have done something productive and relevant for once. Although I had to clean my brother’s desk first. Urk, the dust!

I’ve also kept my brother’s Bearded Dragon, Eddie, entertained today. My music has been playing you see, and Eddie seems to respond to music. He’s been bobbing along in his vivarium behind me. I chatted to him a bit as well. What does one chat to a lizard about you ask? Well that’s the best part; anything. He’s a very good listener.

Talking of my brother, he rang today and asked to talk to me. Which was a bit of a surprise as far as I was concerned. “Wonder what he wants” I thought. He just wanted to catch up. How nice is that?! He phones up every week or so to update the family on how he’s doing up in Chester, and today was the first time I’ve actually been home when he’s called. So I chatted to him for about half an hour. It sounds like he’s been really lucky with his housing situation and has got some brilliant people around him. He sounded enthusiastic and happy and full of life, which was lovely to hear. It was great to hear him talk about everything up there and I’m fairly certain that’s the longest conversation we’ve ever had! Well, the longest time that he’s done the talking I mean. I barely got a word in!! Makes a change from normal… He also asked me when I was going up to visit. Which was, again, unexpected as I hadn’t really considered that he would want his big sister to go and stay and meet his friends etc. But maybe I will at some point. Little Blue hasn’t had a roadtrip in a while…

I had a rather deep conversation with my Mum after lunch today about being made to feel guilty for being who you are. It’s a form of bullying if you think about it. No-one has the right to make you feel apologetic for living your own life. How ridiculous. And yet I’ve been in the position where people have made me feel like that. Countless times I have hidden things and pretended to be someone else all because it got to the point where being myself made me feel bad. That is so wrong on so many levels! I’m pleased to say that this hasn’t happened for a while now as over the years I learned how to stand up for myself.

It came up because Mum was talking about how she’s always been able to stand ground for other people, her students, her friends, her children etc. But she’s terrible at doing it for herself. She’s gone for years feeling the need to hide who she is and muffle her personality to keep other people happy. I think a part of her is worried that given my current situation of being a novice in a world of experts, I will end up doing the same.

Never happen! The only reason I’ve managed to come as far as I have already is because I refuse to apologise for who I am. I entered college with nothing and I never felt bad about that. I owned up to my own inexperience from the off, and I still do. When there’s something I’m not sure about, or haven’t done before, I ask the question “how does this work?” Is there any shame in that? Damn right there’s not. I’m not so proud that I won’t ask for help.

But when I do know something, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t just to make other people feel better. I refuse to be made to feel guilty for being who I am and doing what I can do. It’s just so wrong that we can make each other feel like that. We should be encouraging each other wholeheartedly to be the best that we can be, not going out of our way to push people down and make them apologise for being who they are.

Naturally there comes a point where it’s considered rude to sit there and say “oh but I can do that, I’m really good at this, everything you can do I can do better”. That is equally damaging to others, and just as unacceptable. I’m not someone who does that either. The feelings of others do matter, we should remember that too.
There is a balance to be found. A fine line between not treading on people’s toes, and pretending to be less than we are. I believe it can be done, we just have to learn from each other on it.

So if at any point you start to feel you ought to apologise for who you are and hang back in the shadows because someone else is too scared to step forward, stop! Don’t you dare let anyone make you feel guilty. Be brave and strong and wonderful. The only reason other people want you to feel less than that is because they themselves are too insecure to live properly. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Encourage others to do it with you, by all means, but the minute they try to squash you or hold you down, get out of there. Push free of those stupid apologetic guilty feelings and be proud instead.

Never lose sight of who you are.

Last night I dreamt that I attended a funeral. Sad, right? Well it gets sadder. I was the only attendee, and to top it all off, I didn’t even know who’s funeral it was. I didn’t crash a funeral or anything, I was meant to be there, but I had no idea who had died or why there was no-one else there. The vicar thanked me for coming and did his service and then I left. How strange. My subconscious is probably best left to its own devices if it can throw stuff like that at me. I wouldn’t want to delve too deep

Mum told me that I need to get my mojo back. “I know” I said, “I know”. Trouble is, I don’t know where it went so I’m not sure where to look for it. What I do know is that I keep getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to curl up in a little ball and shut the world out. I know part of it is to do with the shorter days and dreary weather. This time of year is the worst for me. Winter is okay, because once it’s here, I can deal with it. And, come December I know that the days are starting to lengthen again. It’s now, October and November, this transitional time. Not quite dry enough to go without a coat but not quite cold enough to need one. There’s no sunlight to speak of, the sky is grey, but it is so bright sometimes that it hurts my head. And it rains. A lot.

I can’t blame it all on the time of year though. That would be unfair. I know some of it is coming from me as well. There is something holding me back, making me feel I need to put up walls and hold it all in. Nothing goes out, nothing gets in. It’s easier that way sometimes. But not much fun.

I need a hefty kick up the arse. And yet whenever anyone tries, I just want them to bugger off and leave me alone.
Contrary? Me? Never!

Sometimes I’m such a stupidhead.

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