Drowning On Dry Land

Wetter than a wet fish in the middle of the ocean.

Honestly, if I’d got any wetter today I’d have been right at home in the sea with all the fish and such. Because I didn’t just get wet. I got soaked through. Drenched. Saturated. Sodden. Poured on. I was dripping. Literally at  one point. Water was dripping off my eyelashes, down my nose and then off the end of that.

And it was cold too. Very cold indeed. When you’re cold, and that wet, that’s when your bones start to ache. I could feel this deep ache where everything had seeped in to the point that I wasn’t sure if I could physically keep moving.

It was a dark day. No, really truly. There was no brightness to the sky today, it was seriously grey and dingy. And it was a long day. Such a long long day. For some reason, even though there wasn’t actually that much going on, it felt like we weren’t able to catch our breath over anything. The rain and the dark and the cold were probably all to blame for that. It just closed everything in around us and made it almost impossible to feel good.

I still danced though. I danced around in the rain because it was the only way to stop myself from curling into a little ball and crying at one point. I could feel this numbness coming over me, this feeling of “nope, no more, please no more” and the temptation to just plonk myself on the floor and refuse to move was almost overwhelming. So, instead, I made myself dance.

There was very little we could do about the weather, so I figured I ought to just make the best of it whatever way I could. Dancing and twirling seemed to be the only way.

We did ride this afternoon – in the indoor school thank god! That was more frustrating than anything else though. I don’t really feel like I actually achieved anything. I was tired and cold and damp anyway and my heart wasn’t really in it. So when I got given the lovely Tilly to ride I thought “well that’ll be nice”. Oho how wrong I was. She decided to be an absolute pain the bum. She shied at corners, swung her quarters around, stopped and refused to move again and napped every time another horse went past. Now I know she’s only a baby, so I was doing my best to just deal with that. Kelly gave me instructions on what to do when she started being naughty, and up to a point I was able to follow them and get her to start listening a bit. But then she went and threw it all back in my face. The horse, not Kelly. We’d just come round her ‘spooky’ corner without too much of an issue so I was all proud of her and thinking “good girl, well done”. I was just about to get to the point where I actually felt like we were getting somewhere and she decided to just completely ruin everything an be an absolute tit all over again.

I was getting seriously warm throughout all this, because my legs were working bloody hard to keep her going and I was mentally exhausted from sheer concentration. To be honest, I got to the point where I wanted to give up. I was tired and fed up with her being such an idiot. I just wanted to get off and say “fine, whatever” and walk off. I didn’t, because you can’t really do that with horses. It’s not like they’ll understand that you’re pissed off with them and feel bad about it and try to make amends the next time. They’ll just learn “woohoo, if I muck about my rider will give up and I won’t have to do any work”. So I didn’t give up. But man I was close.

Fortunately, Kelly seemed to be aware of the fact that I was all but spent with this horse and suggested that Vicky and I swap so that I could have a chance to ride and feel good about it rather than leaving the session wishing I hadn’t bothered. So I got to ride Midgelet for about quarter of an hour. Which was still pretty tiring as I needed a lot of leg to get her moving, but she was lovely. Her saddle isn’t too comfy though; the pommel is too high. But I was pleased that I had a chance to just relax a little bit because to be honest I was getting to the stage where I was ready to be a child and throw all my teddies out of the pram and launch myself at the floor and cry and throw a tantrum.

Which is another reason why I hate this time of year. Being cold and wet and tired and hungry and exhausted means I usually end up more emotional than usual. I’m in a particularly awkward space at the moment actually. Mostly I just want to be left alone. I do not want to talk to anyone. I do not want to socialise. Every noise other people make grates on my brain and at points, just being in the same room as someone else rubs away at my edges until I’m almost screaming.

I used to feel like this all the time. It’s been a while since it’s been this bad actually. This is why I was concerned about going to Ireland and having to live with so many people. I was worried that if I felt like this, things were going to go horribly horribly wrong. But for various reasons, I didn’t feel this way at all while I was there. Guys, you got lucky!! Because it’s back now, with a vengeance. I am seriously finding it hard to cope with the world at the moment.

Another reason why I love my car so much. My little blue bubble of peace. Now if only I could have a beautiful stretch of open road that went on for miles and miles and miles. Music on, accelerator down and away we go. Now that would be pretty wonderful right now. That or a hell of a lot of vodka.

And I know the vodka would be cheaper…

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