My New Theory…

…and other things.

So I’ve had some time to myself lately. Maybe a little too much time. I’ve got to thinking you see, and that’s always a dodgy use of my time. It depends on my mood and recent events, but thinking can cause me to upset, enrage or depress myself. It can, however, also give me a new outlook on life.

I have come to the conclusion that life would be far better if I were a Unicorn. And, in actual fact, I believe I may be one. I have logical proof. I’m about to crack out some serious philosophy knowledge right now, so I hope you’re sitting comfortably. Ready? Okay let’s go.

There is a philosophical argument which revolves around the use of logic and reason to determine conclusions from statements.  A valid argument is one in which the truth of the premises guarantees the truth of the conclusion, there are no possible circumstances in which the premises could be true and conclusion false, and any argument with the same logical form with true premises also has a true conclusion. So, our premises (statements) have to be true in order for our conclusion to also be true and, in turn, if the conclusion is true then the premises cannot possibly be false. So…an example…

Premise A – Stars only come out at night
Premise B – I can see stars now
Conclusion – It is night.

Making sense? Good. The problem here is with logical consistency. For an argument to be valid and the conclusion to be wholly true, the premises must be logically consistent. What this means is that they must both be able to be true at the same time. The following is an example of an argument that is logically inconsistent i.e. the premises cannot both be true at the same time. I will apologise at this point for using religion as my example in the following argument. I do not use it in an attempt to offend anyone, but it is a fact of philosophical argument that, to the bystander religious arguments are often logically inconsistent.

Premise A – There is only one God
Premise B – There are many gods who take different forms.

The above is logically inconsistent because those premises cannot both be true at the same time. But, depending on the religion in question, both will be argued to be true. Logical inconsistency. And now I come to the fact that a logically consistent argument need not necessarily have relevant premises. For example.

Premise A – I am wearing red jeans
Premise B – It is Friday
Conclusion – I am wearing red jeans on Friday.

It does not matter that the two premises are seemingly irrelevant to one another – they are logically consistent and provide a valid argument wherein both premises and the conclusion are all true.

Now you have an understanding of logical thought and the recipe for a valid argument, I will now present you with my proof that I am, in fact, a Unicorn.

Before you jump to conclusions…consider what you’ve already read.

Premise A – Unicorns are awesome
Premise B – I am awesome
Conclusion – I am a Unicorn.

It is a logically consistent argument, all premises can be true at the same time. It is also a valid argument. In order for the conclusion to be true, the premises cannot be false. And, the premises are both true.
Unicorns are awesome, yep well, some may call it a matter of opinion but let’s face facts here….they just are. (And if I wanted to confuse you further I would throw in the argument that it is true that I think Unicorns are awesome, therefore being written by me the statement is true, and thus my points stands. But I won’t do that.)

Premise B – I am awesome. Well, that’s just undeniable. Some of you don’t know me very well, and some of you might think you do. But let me tell you this, if you disagree…you don’t know shit! It’s a basic fact of life. I am awesome. Do non-awesome people write a blog post about being a unicorn? Thought not…!

So…Premise A is true, and Premise B is true. All that is left, is the conclusion, which given the validity of the argument thus far, can only be true.

I AM A UNICORN. Yes. I am.

So there you have it. I am most definitely a Unicorn.

My other main conclusion for the day comes from a conversation I had with the lovely Nizz.

“The best part about brownies is the eating…”

Yet another undeniably true statement. Man, I’m just full of those today!

So, now that I have left you all the wiser for that crash course in philosophical logic and reason, I shall now depart from this feeling satisfied that I have successfully made my case. And I shall give you a parting gift. Some more words of wisdom.


P.s. If anyone even tries to refute this with the argument “All Unicorns are awesome but not all awesome things are Unicorns” I shall be forced to use my Unicorn magic to rain fiery rainbows of death down upon you. Use your words with caution my friend.

Always be a Unicorn.


6 thoughts on “My New Theory…

  1. A thought has just occurred to me, although it is only vaguely related: can unicorns eat safely from haynets? Not sure if it’s a problem if they can’t but I feel someone should consider this…

    • I don’t think could actually. I think they’d just about manage with hay on the floor though. Although you’d be in a bit of a pickle if you were a particularly fussy unicorn.

      • And it would be rea lly annoying if the hay was next to the wall so they couldn’t get it without hitting the wall. These are the burning issues noone is talking about!

      • Yeah! Poor Unicorns. And oh, what about feed buckets or mangers?! The modern world is entirely unprepared for the Unicorn’s needs. Why isn’t the government doing anything about it?!

      • Damn. Now it all makes sense. Better not let them know I am one then. I don’t fancy being repressed. Doesn’t look like much fun.

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