For me, it all comes down to this.
I have highs and lows, good days and bad days. Sometimes my doubts take over and I sit there thinking “who the hell do you think you are, to think that you can study horses for two years and then make a career out of it while other people have been in this world for a whole decade by your age? What were you thinking girl, just who are you trying to kid? Idiot”. At times like those it can be hard to force myself to continue, to remind myself of all the reasons I should succeed. To give myself a mental slap and stop being such a whiney child.
It is very very hard to maintain a positive outlook during the winter. I struggle, I really do. The grey sky, leaking clouds and cold air just get into my soul and slowly start eating away at the edges of me. This onslaught of bad weather lately has affected me a lot, and I’ve found it hard to keep my head up. I’ve just about managed, but I don’t quite know how.
I was explaining to Kelly earlier today that the doubts and lack of self belief I carry around with me are just part of who I am. I might be confident and bold and loud and bright and cheerful and a million other things, but the niggly voice inside of my head is as much a part of me as all those things. So I sit and question myself. A lot. And I end up making myself feel bad. But there’s nothing I can do to stop that from happening, all I can do is stay aware of it and pick myself back up again when the voice quietens down.
Today was one of those days where I realised, I deserve all the successes and opportunities I’ve been given. I work bloody hard for what I want, I throw myself into the things I do, and I learn as much as I can, as fast as I can. I put in extra time and effort all for the sake of learning a tiny bit more. I’m not trying to impress anyone, or get good references for my CV. I go out simply to improve myself. I want to get good at something. I want to be worth employing, someone who knows what they’re doing and has the confidence to help others do it too. I’m getting there, but only because I work my arse off every step of the way.
Today, the sun shone all day, and my spirits were lifted. Those of us on the yard worked well together, a beautifully oiled team. We got everything done in brilliant time, to a good standard. The horses were happy, the clients were happy, we were happy. The peace and quiet of campus was wonderful, especially when the sun was streaming in everywhere and you could hear the birds singing all around. It was lovely, and reminded me what it’s like to feel light and happy and free. My heart was full of joy.
Today, I realised the most important thing of all.
I am very lucky.
Because, you see, I love what I do. And, more importantly than that even, I do what I love.
Somehow, by some twist of fate (and a lot of hard graft and changing circumstances blah blah blah) I’ve ended up managing to do both of those things. A lot of people never achieve even one.
I think that’s enough.