I don’t stick at stuff very well.
I get bored and move on to another project before I’ve finished the last one. I forget what I’m doing, get distracted by something shiny and wander off with no recollection of what I was doing beforehand. I’m terrible!
So when I realised that this month will make it a year that I’ve been writing this blog, I was slightly amazed. I don’t generally stick at stuff like this very well. Like I say, I get bored or distracted or something more exciting crops up. So either my life for the past year has been very dull, or this blog is about right for me.
The fact of the matter is that I mostly write about horses, and its horses that keep me going even on my worst days. Like today.
“Uh oh, where’s happy Meg?” called Kelly as I walked onto the yard this morning. “She’s in need of some sleep I’m afraid” I replied. I am very tired and rather stressed and so, as a consequence, a bit grouchy and scrunchy. I’m in my “please don’t come near me let’s just all sit in separate rooms and not look at each other or talk and dear god don’t try and hug me because I’ll kick you in the shins” space. Everyone’s favourite.
When I’m like this, someone daring to do something as innocent as breathe, or just be in the same room as me starts to tick me off and push me closer to breaking point. Which is stupid, but it’s just how I get sometimes.
And then I go to the yard, and the thought of talking to people and jobs and stuff just makes me think “oh god I can’t do this, I’m going to turn around and go home and just pretend the world doesn’t exist today, I can’t handle today”. But I go in anyway, because it’s my job, because I do things when I say I’m going to and because I hate letting anyone down.
And I go to the field to catch a horse in and I feel her warm breath on my arm and her whiskers tickle my hands as I put her head-collar on. I can smell the warm mustiness of her coat and she looks at me with this patience and understanding as if to say “Yeah, I feel you sister” and we walk together, slowly in the sunshine. She nudges my shoulder when I get her to stand and wait at the gate and snorts gently, sending warm air round my neck and down my back. And I feel calm again and like something about the world makes sense after all. I put her in her stable and close the door, watching her eat for a minute before moving on to the next job, and I breathe a sigh of relief because I realise that it’s going to be okay. I can cope, I can handle the day, I don’t need to pretend it doesn’t exist. Because I get to work with horses and they are amazing. And I smile, and go about my day feeling a little lighter than I did before.
It is in moments like those, and in the looking back on them, that I realise the deeper impact that working with horses has on me. Not only do I feel like it’s what I was meant to do in the first place, but somehow it makes me feel like a better person. And that can only be a good thing because a lot of the time I think I’m a pretty horrible person what with my anti-social tendencies and lack of sympathy for others in most situations.
That’s how I’ve managed to keep this blog going for a year. I write about the things that matter to me, and about the things that are making me into the person I want to be. I write about who I am and where I am going, and how I am managing to do it. The road I travel is full of twists and turns and I have no idea what is around each corner, and so I write about it to express my fears and my worries, my hopes and my wishes, my joy, my sorrow, and my frustration.
I’ve always expressed things better in writing.