Goodbyes

I’ve never been very good at them.

Wednesday evening heralded my final shift at my job of three years. It was time for me to go, as three years is a long time in a job that was only supposed to last one summer. But that didn’t make it any easier to say goodbye to my lovely colleagues who have given me some really good laughs over the years.

And bless their hearts, they got me some really sweet leaving gifts. They shouldn’t have got me anything, I certainly wasn’t expecting it, but I guess that just shows how lovely they all are. For my part, I took in some cupcakes to share with everyone and gave them all a little Russian doll as a token from me. I’ll miss my evening team, but I can’t say I’m sad to leave the cleaning job behind me for good. It’s time to step forward and move on to bigger and better things.

Speaking of which, Foxy is working beautifully for me of late. His new standing martingale makes quite a big difference as it really gives him something to work forwards into and gives him less time to panic about stuff. He’s much more consistent and willing, and I’ve managed to get some lovely stuff out of him, despite being concentrated on the musical ride rather than how he’s going. Which, to be honest, has always been the best way to ride that horse. Totally focus on something else, and he’ll work beautifully. Try to get anything out of him and it’s like he can’t handle the pressure and panics. Either that or he’s too darn stubborn to give you what you want. Whatever it is, he’s always worked better when his rider is relaxed and not really thinking about what he’s doing. And he’s worked well for me the past week, which is lovely. And I get to hack him out on my birthday. Hurrah!

We have our musical ride pretty much down now. Only a little bit of fine tuning left and we’ll be done and dusted. I need to get the final section timed so I can sort out the music for it, but I’ve even managed to put most of that together too. That’s on top of finishing off nearly all of my assignments and working every spare minute on the yard for Sonya.

Next week is our study tour to Newmarket which I’d completely forgotten about until Erin reminded us on Wednesday morning. Oops. So yeah, I’m doing that on Monday morning. Better remember to pack some stuff, otherwise it’ll all be a little bit awkward!

Whilst I am still feeling slightly overwhelmed by all the stuff that is happening and how fast it’s all appearing in front of me, I am managing to control my stress levels a little better at the moment. I think, for the most part, this is because I have realised that so much of the stuff I was worrying about 1. is out of my control and 2. does not matter in the long run.

Some of the stuff that has been preying on my mind will bear no relevance to my life even in a months time, so why am I paying it so much heed? Because I’m a numpty. And half of the rest of the stuff that’s bugging me is all stuff I have literally no control over whatsoever. It is hard for me to relinquish that control sometimes, especially when I know it will affect me at some point in the future for better or for worse, but it is a thing that must be done.

Sometimes it is okay to just take a deep breath, let go and say to yourself “You know what, it’s okay, everything is okay and right now I am good”

Because we cannot predict or control what the future will bring, so maybe we should all stop trying so hard to do so. I do not know what is going to happen to me and I do not know where I will end up, what I will find myself doing or what people I will meet. So sitting on my bum letting my mind wrap round and round itself in turmoil over all of that is pointless and a total waste of energy.

There are things that I would like to happen, things I want to do and things that, if they worked out, would be especially fantastic for me. And I very much hope, from the bottom of my heart, that at least one of them works out for the best. But hoping is all I am going to continue to do, because panicking will achieve nothing.

I had some rather morose days last week where I felt like everything I had worked so hard for was being whisked out from under my feet. I felt like my whole world was falling apart at the seams a little and like somehow I was going to end up flat on my face for no good reason. All those stupid little things that build up and bug me just got too much and threatened to wash over me. Until I stopped and let go of it all and accepted that I couldn’t take charge of every single thing, couldn’t control all the tiny aspects of life as I know it. Sometimes things just happen, and you have to go with it and ride it out until the end.

So long as I have a horse to ride and a kettle to make tea with, I’ll be grand.

Just grand.

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