Bad Dreams

I was relieved to wake up this morning.

It might sound stupid coming from a woman in her twenties, but I had a rather unpleasant dream last night and woke up feeling both relieved, and horrified at my own subconscious for inflicting it on me.

In said dream, I received a phonecall from Kelly telling me that Fox’s owner was going to sell him to the meat man if no-one else stepped forward. I was in the middle of nowhere when I got the call, with terrible signal and virtually no battery life. No transport either. I asked Kelly to contact the owner for me and say that I’d buy him, somehow I’d find a way. But my phone cut out before I knew whether she’d heard me or not, and then I was left there, stranded, with no way of contacting anyone or of making sure Fox was saved.

Okay so it doesn’t sound all that terrible to the person standing on the sidelines. But I can tell you, dream me was severely distressed. I think it came out of the realisation that there is so much beyond my control these days, but also from the fact that more than anything I want to buy that horse but that I know ultimately, he’s going to go somewhere else. The meat man thing is a worst case scenario and I would hope his owner would never drop to that level of desperation to be rid of him. Because if she had to go that far, I’d like to think I’d have already stepped in.

Like I say, it probably sounds stupid to you. But that horse means a fair deal to me and I think the dream is a representation of how easy it is to lose things that matter. Sometimes you’re just powerless to help. Those are the hardest times to handle, and yet at one point or another we all suffer them.

I’ve had dreams like that before, about someone shooting my dogs before I had a chance to get to him and protect them because I couldn’t run fast enough to reach them in time. And where my friends have gone down a certain street even though I could see the man with the murder weapon in the shadows and begged them not to.

You can’t protect the people and things you love forever. I guess that’s the message these dreams are trying to give me. But sometimes it’s not really the thing you want to hear. Especially when your subconscious tells you that the alternative to your protection is death. Brilliant! My mind really does work wonders sometimes. JESUS.

And people wonder why I don’t like horror or psychological thrillers. My mind has enough stimuli just from real life to create horrific scenes in my head, it doesn’t need any further encouragement.

On the other side of the coin, sometimes I have wonderful dreams. Really truly wonderful. And other times they can be like an epic movie in which I save the world from strange twisted black alien zombies armed only with the power of flight and a Katana. Yup! Awesome.

I’ve been left feeling slightly jittery and bothered today though, thanks to last nights instalment. And I know exactly why. It’s because all I want to do is go to the yard and make sure he’s alive and well. And after that, phone his owner and make her promise me she’ll never sell him to the meat man, no matter how long it takes to sell him on.

Sigh. I’m so silly. No, it’s okay, you don’t have to try and defend my mildly crazed urges with niceties. I am just a bit silly.

I can guarantee one thing though. He’s gonna get himself a big ass hug tomorrow morning.

Stupid brain.

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