And she’s off!
It is a moment we will all face, quite probably more than once, in our lifetimes. It is a moment which can make or break us, show us the potential of who we could be and give us a chance to reflect on who we were. It comes when we least expect it and usually when we are most certainly not ready to deal with it. But deal with it we must if we are to be made rather than broken by such a moment.
I am talking about the moment in which you realise that you are stepping away from one life and into another. When you wave goodbye to a past and turn to face a future which is beginning to take shape. The moment you open your eyes and see how much everything has changed so far beyond anything you expected that you barely know how to take a step forward. And it is in seeing the shape of that new future that you are forced to accept how real everything is. All those changes you weren’t expecting, this new path with different faces to the ones you’d hoped might be there, all of this stuff is reality now and everything you imagined or hoped for or assumed before is consigned to remain thoughts on the wind, a possible scenario that will never be played out.
I must be honest with you. There is a certain sadness that comes with moving forwards. Because by taking that step, turning your face to the new, you force yourself to move further away from the past. You turn your back on what was to embrace what is and consider what will be. I agree that this is necessary and positive, but it cannot be helped that it is also sad. Letting go of the past is hard, especially when there are so many things in it that matter to you. Moving forward does not mean you will stop missing people, it will not prevent the nostalgia and it will not curb the feelings you have about events gone by. I have come to accept that this is simply okay.
I did not realise it would take so much courage to make such a no-brainer of a decision. And yet somehow it did. A part of my brain shut down and told me that, no, I didn’t want to take a positive step forward into a new future with untold possibilities because that was a scary unknown and potentially lonely thing to do. I suggested to myself that it would be much easier to hide at home in the safety of my family and pretend that the big bad world didn’t exist. But then, I reminded myself, where’s the fun in taking the easy option!?
So I accepted the job. It is new and exciting and full of opportunities. I will be busy and working my butt off and exhausted. There are ponies and dogs and new people to get to know. The experiences I gain will be incredible, the chances to try new things and go to new places are wide open and there is so much new stuff to learn. I get my own place to live, somewhere I can make properly mine. With all my stuff. A home, for me! My parents have even got me a brand new coffee machine for my kitchen and my lovely mum is making me a patchwork quilt for my bed.
I am excited more than anything else. I am also a little scared and the tiniest bit overwhelmed and a teeny weeny bit disbelieving of it being real. But mostly just excited because I get to work and play with a barn full of beautiful thoroughbred polo ponies. Polo the sport, not the mint. Obviously.
My brother couldn’t quite believe that I’d been home less than two weeks and gone and got a new job already. No time like the present to get moving though, right? I didn’t want to sit around for too long, resting on my laurels, getting bored and frustrated and allowing my melancholy to take over. That wasn’t going to work out well. So yes, I went and got a job within a fortnight of coming home.
I am determined, more now than I ever have been, to make something wonderful of my life. I want to give things a go, try my hand at stuff, go to new places, see things, gain valuable experiences, learn everything I can. I want to enjoy the days I have on this earth, I want to know that I have really applied myself, that I have the made the most of my life.
And no, that does not mean I will stop feeling sad over things. That is something that cannot be helped. When something or someone matters and you lose it, well, you feel that.
But did I mention that I get to play with a load of gorgeous polo ponies?
Because I do.