I am in something of a pickle my darlings.
You know those dreams where everything is just slightly out of reach, or moves that little bit too quickly/slowly for you to grasp it. Sometimes you’re chasing something, but no matter how fast you run you can never quite make it, if anything it looks further away than ever. And then usually you realise you’re naked and everyone’s laughing at you. Well, apart from the naked part, that’s how my head feels at the moment.
I have left my job on the polo yard through a mutual decision between my employer and me. My lack of experience in the industry coupled with the extremely intense environment I was in was causing me to become overwhelmed and unhappy. I feel lighter having left, but of course I am now in the position of trying to work out what comes next.
I do not know, is the short answer to that question.
I have not worked it out yet. I am taking some time at the moment to get back to myself, to recover the physical exhaustion and allow my mind to settle down again. I need to move out of this peculiar head space before I can focus. And yet it is often true that moving forward in a positive direction can help with the head space thing. We’ll see.
For the moment I am enjoying wearing nice clothes on nice days. The weather is beautiful and it feels good to be able to dress like a civilised woman and feel cool and comfortable in the warmth of the glorious sunshine. Sunnies on, windows open, bring on the vitamin D.
I need to find my direction first. I have been floundering somewhat, and I need to pull myself up and out of the quagmire and back onto firm ground. A mental/verbal slap or two ought to do the trick.
It takes very little to shake ones confidence. To rattle the bones of ones conviction. I have had myself well and truly thrown about and am left wondering why on earth I have made the choices I have. I have been questioning everything I’ve ever done, and wondering what it is I am working for. Do I even like horses? (Yes, yes I really do, I’m sure of it). But you see what I mean, it’s hard to focus on what’s real and what matters when your mind is so a clutter with all these stupid questions that have been knocked out of cobwebby corners.
This real life thing is hard. I hope one day I’m a little closer to handling it, because at the moment I suck.