This is a stream of thought and may not make sense…
For all the irritating inspirational thought provoking quotes I post on Facebook, I never seem able to live up to any of them. I’ve always been good at detaching myself from a situation and helping other people see from a different perspective, but I can’t do it for myself. And I realised this morning as I watched the rain from the conservatory, that every single day I tell myself “today is the day that something is going to change” and every single evening I wave goodbye to a day in which nothing changed. I think I need to start being more honest with myself. Personally, I think that’s something we all need to do a little more. As a species, we are remarkably good at kidding ourselves whether it be into believing our own lies or ignoring things and hoping they’ll go away. I’ve seen it time after time in the people I love, and the people I don’t too, and now I’m seeing it in myself.
It all comes down to this. I’m scared. Scared that I’ve made a mess. Scared that I’m no good. Scared I’ll never find the place I belong. Scared that I’ve wasted all this time I’ve had already. Scared that I’m not going to be happy. Scared that I’m almost 25 and I’m living with my parents again. Scared I’ll never be brave enough to stop being scared. Scared of disappointing people, of letting them down. Scared that I’m going to fail at everything I do. Scared that I’m just not good enough. Scared of letting go of the things I do not have anymore, of the person I was. Scared to commit to a future I cannot see.
That’s what it all boils down to. Fear. Pure and simple, unadulterated and crystal clear. Fear.
“You’ve got to learn to face your fears” said every motivational speaker, every reality TV show, every person ever. And yes, I agree. But it’s slightly easier to face a tangible fear. Fear of spiders? Go hold one, learn about them, understand their place in the natural world and learn to appreciate them for their beauty. Ignore the creepy legs and abnormal number of beady little eyes and the way they scuttle (urgh what a word) across floorboards. Fear of water? Get in it and slowly learn to love the gentle weightless feeling you get, the touch of cool water against your skin and the quiet sloshing sounds it makes when you move. Let go of the fact you could drown in six inches of the stuff and the fact that there is almost definitely a killer shark lurking in the depths of the swimming pool just waiting to grab it’s next victim.
But how does one take down fears which don’t come from anything physical, they are purely mental constructs. I cannot take the future by the shoulders, stare into its eyes and proclaim “I’m not scared of you”. I cannot sit down with my own insecurities and ask them why they continue to plague me, months and years after I thought I’d let them go. When you sit and talk to yourself, people generally start to assume there are mental instabilities going on. I do not wish to be committed.
And then it strikes me. In a simple text from a friend. “Who cares about the future, you’ve got the next 50 years to figure it out.” My brain stops whirring, all the cogs and gears just pause. I consider the words and realise that yes, that is it.
When did I start fretting and panicking about a future I cannot predict? How did I become that person? I was never like that before. I certainly never wanted to be. I lived for the day at hand, for the things I had and the people I loved. I did not pretend that I knew, or wanted to know, what would come next. There were times that thinking on those lines would hurt me, it would turn and bite me. Hard. But on the whole it was simpler and I was happier. I need to get back to that.
Yes. I know. Please don’t think I’m being daft. I am not stupid. Financially speaking, there are things that will always need to be taken care of and things I will always need to make provision for. I am not saying that I plan to simply abandon any forethought whatsoever. Merely that I wish to go back to a manner of being which requires less “oh god what am I going to do with my life, how am I going to make something of myself?” and more “Today I have the ability to do x y z. Tomorrow will happen when it does.”
I think I will be better, in myself, if I can remind myself how to relax into that again.
Speaking of being better. I am so glad that I have been able to pick up lessons at Holme Lacy again. I am enjoying, so much, this feeling of improving week on week. After so long without riding properly or having any direction with it, it is wonderful to be progressing in a constructive way. Sonya and Kelly are fabulous instructors, and their different teaching styles mean I am managing to get a huge amount of new perspective on my riding ability. I genuinely feel like I am getting somewhere with it. Both Kelly and Sonya have been very encouraging and kind with the things they have said. I am only glad that I haven’t gone too badly down hill!
I had a rather brilliant lesson with the gorgeous Foxy and Kelly on Tuesday evening. The boy was a total gem and while he fought me at times, on the whole he listened and responded well, giving me some rather lovely bits of work as and when I deserved it.
So what with my riding going in the right direction again, and the potential for some flexi-hours work on a nearby dressage yard, I am slowly sorting myself out. And I think that is the key. Slowly. I have realised the importance of taking things at the right pace. Sometimes I dive in too quickly and don’t give myself enough time to balance properly. I end up in over my head because I wasn’t prepared. I know that on occasion that is the only way, but when it comes to being competent at your job you need to give yourself suitable warning. So this time I am taking my time. I do not know exactly what it is I want for my long term but I also know that in the mean time I do not wish to be sat around doing nothing. So I am starting to take steps, of a manageable size for me.
And with that I hope to rekindle my love of today. My joy at being alive, of having such a beautiful existence. We all have that you know, the pure beauty of living. Philosophically speaking there is little point to it, but to me (when I am not being nihilistic) that is part of what makes it so glorious and precious. We dance into the world, a glimmering spark of existence and then we are gone. Pure and simple and undeniably beautiful.
So, my darlings, I leave you with that.
Love today, let go of yesterday, embrace tomorrow.