Underestimating

Sometimes stuff just hits you in the face!

There are moments when you realise something, where it comes back to you in a wave of overwhelming strength that almost knocks you down. Memory is a funny old bugger. Sometimes it sticks there, forcing you to relive stuff when you’d really rather not. And other times it allows things to fade into the background. When those things come back therefore, you get a bit of a shock.

I hadn’t realised it, but I’d forgotten how much I love it here. I’m totally shattered, my feet feel like they’ve been carrying a hippo around for years, my back and shoulders are stiff and sore, and my throat hurts from explaining and reassuring and reminding. And yet. I am happy. I look out of the window and I see those mountain, so dramatic and beautiful and expressive. The lake rippling in the breeze, the horses grazing through the field and the river glinting in the evening sunlight. I can hear the others downstairs, chatting about god knows what, washing up and mucking around. Everywhere there is movement, and noise, but it doesn’t upset me like you might think it would. Instead, by some miracle, I still feel peace in my soul.

I didn’t even ride today. But being with those horses and watching them is enough sometimes. The kids are draining and demanding, but they’re pleasant and friendly too. The weather is not always as lovely as it is at this minute. In fact, it’s mostly the opposite. Wet and windy and cold. I’m in Ireland, not the Mediterranean. And still, I am happy.

If you read my blog posts from the last time I was here, I spoke about how it seemed to feed my soul somehow. That was in October. However many months on (I can’t be bothered to count) I had managed to forget that feeling through being busy, and tired and stressed. I’d look through photographs from time to time, to try and remind myself of that happiness and bring a little of it back to me. But it didn’t always work. Sometimes I’d just end up feeling sad instead.

When I first got here, it felt a little weird. I was glad to be back of course, to see my friends and be reunited with these wonderful people. But it still felt odd, like something was out of place. I think because I did the journey on my own this time, it just felt like there was something missing. I’ve been here nearly a week now, and I honestly can’t believe it’s been a week already. The next three are going to fly.

I underestimated how much I would love being back. I underestimated how happy I would feel being here again. And I totally underestimated how much I don’t want to be anywhere else. How much I don’t want to leave.

And that’s a bit awkward you see. Because I thought I had things sorted in my head. Well, I did have things sorted. All because I’d forgotten the beauty and depth of joy to be found here, in Kerry. And now my head is full of other stuff. Of mountains and horses, rivers and lakes, sprawling landscapes and smiling through the rain.

I should, perhaps, not have underestimated.